trying out bravery

She didn’t know what bravery was.

She followed every rule, and kept her head down.

Then one day she was awakened.

A light peaked through to the darkest place of her soul,

And she touched something that wasn’t there before.

What was this freedom?

Assuming strength would come right away,

She was let down again and again.

She fought, but she failed.

So she followed every rule, and kept her head down.

This time it was sadder because she saw what she was doing.

She saw what she was missing.

Now she’s done. No more.

Head up, shoulders back.

Come fear, come enemy.

You will not win. 

Nerd Alert!

I l-o-v-e my job! I’m an office assistant, and it is wonderful. I love office supplies and faxing and organizing and processing payments and scanning documents and transferring calls and managing projects. I get giddy when our orders from Office Depot come in… it’s like opening a Christmas present!

   

Part of my job is problem-solving.
“I can’t remember my account password!” I gotcha covered.
“I accidentally charged $600 to my credit card instead of $100…help!” No problem.
“I need postage for this package.” Gimme.
“I just got a call from this number; do you know who tried to call me?” Any 1 of about 35 people. This one I still don’t know how to handle, because some people just aren’t very bright. That phone call and the email “can I sign my kids up for camp?” are the ones that make me think, really?

All that to say, I do so love my job!

celebrate the season

The leaves have turned and are falling.  The sky is grayer.  The air is crispier.  

I am so very ready and excited for this time of change! 

This fall/winter time gives me a sense of stripping life of the old and the clutter, and snuggling up with just the bare necessities. I have what I need, and I have it in great quantity. 

I have a family, a home, food, and friends. I have love and I have laughter. 

I want to bundle up in a big sweater (which, by the way, I would live in every day of my life if I could), grab a mug of coffee, and just quietly celebrate the joys of this season.

prized people

All kinds of people have made quite an impression on my life.

There are some people who have known me my whole life; they've continued to love me and take care of me, and they remind me of who I am at times when I forget.

Others came into my life during my teen years... these are pretty unforgettable. They were absolutely crazy, and wonderful, and joyful. They taught me to be ME, and to not be any different.

Still more entered my life that have encouraged me, challenged me, deepened my faith, and caused me to truly ENJOY life.

I am so thankful for the many people I know. The care, the laughter, the wisdom, the vanilla Dr. Peppers, the LOVE. I always hope that I tell every person that touches my heart, how much they mean to me. Their words and hugs and laughter has opened something in my soul that has allowed me to be ME, to understand worship and life and love.

Here's to many more days with these wonderful people! Thank you. :)

a desperate heart cries out,
longing to be set right.

a heaviness sets back in,
that reminds her of the darkest night.

her head hurts, her skin is cold,
her breath is shaky, her head is aching.

desperation almost overwhelming,
tears won't come for fear of faking.

yet a sadness deep within,
won't let the walls hold her back.

sinking, sinking, sinking,
through her eyes is fading, and black.

as a child

Introspection. That's something I need to do less of. People may have expectations of me, and I may have expectations of myself. But as for today, I choose to not to care.

"I need to save money for this, I need to save money for that, I need to lose weight, I need to look at college options for next year, I need to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend..."

Those may be things I need to do, but I realize I continue to miss the heart of it all. When I am looking at me, I hardly ever see good things. That is why I need to look at Jesus and never look away. When he is at the center of everything I do, those "needs" seem to fall perfectly into place. Crazy, huh?

I sat in a gazebo at the Ranch today, just thinking. Just listening. Then it came to me. I try to fit this stereotype. I'm 23-years-old, I am trying to (mostly) support myself. Dad still helps with the big things like insurance. I am 23-years-old, I am trying to be a mature woman. I am trying to be witty, and smart, and clever, and in shape (doing poorly at this), and healthy, and wise, and caring, and this, and that.... it's exhausting. Plain and simple. I wear myself out, get mad, give up. Yes, I throw inward temper tantrums. I am 23-years-old, thank you.

Do you know what I WANT to be? A 23-year-old imaginist. A 23-year-old reader of wonderful books, like Peter Pan or Bridge to Terabithia. I want to watch animated movies. I want to admit to the whole world that I want a pet dragon. I want to be like Ginny Weasley when I grow up. I want to fly. I want to dream up this whole wide world and everything that could be, and BELIEVE in it. I don't care if it sounds silly; you're probably right. But as for today, I choose not to care.

I shall be as a child. I'm probably going to have more fun than you today...

My Rescuer, My Savior

Jesus Christ didn’t just rescue us from something; He saved us for something!

“For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness...” (Colossians 1:13a)

Dominion – power, authority, control.

The ‘darkness’ refers to sin, the father of lies satan, and every evil thing.

We are no longer under the authority of satan. We are no longer under the control of our sinful nature.

“...and brought us into the Kingdom of the Son He loves.” (Colossians 1:13b)

The Kingdom of Jesus Christ, where there is no more sin, no more suffering.

I am reading a book by Kris Vallotton; in the third chapter he talks about our imagination being linked to our hearts. What I imagine myself to be, that is what I become. “For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7) Vallotton says “that which you focus on will determine your reality.” (The Supernatural Ways of Royalty) Thinking happy thoughts really does make a difference! “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Dwell on this: you have a God who LOVES you. You are rescued from the dominion of darkness. You have been brought into the Kingdom of His Son!

this chapter

Yesterday I filled out a self-evaluation for work. I really don't like those things, but I suppose it's good to ask questions and ponder answers.

In one of the sections I was required to "name 3 things you would like to see happen in your life or in your ministry over the next few years". I filled out the first two blanks, but for some reason I could not decide on a third. I was thinking things like "I would love to go sky diving" and "I want to see a hundred African kids well-fed and laughing and dancing" and "I want to travel the world and write stories about the people I meet" and "I want to act in a movie" and "it'd be really cool to learn how to fly"...

There are so many wonderful things I want to see and experience in this life. I move forward, I wait, I'm stubborn and lazy, then I move forward again. Impatience and discouragement come, followed by inspiration and motivation. This is life. It's broken, it's beautiful.

I am happy to say that in this chapter of my life, I get to spend my time with wonderful people, live and work at a wonderful place, and bask in the knowledge that I will forever find delight in a wonderful Savior.

do's and don'ts.

Things I do:

Above all else, I try to keep my faith in Christ at the very center of my life, the heart and source of everything. I trust God’s voice as my guide and Christ as my comforter. I pray, I practice confession and forgiveness, and I seek to see the world through the eyes of its Creator, believing everything can be redeemed. I’m part of my church community, volunteering on its behalf, and working to make a better city and a better world because of our church community.

I live in daily, honest, intimate community with the people at the Ranch. I give my time and energy and prayer to my immediate family and close friends. To a slightly wider circle of people, I give them my love and friendship through intermittent e-mails and very occasional visits.

I work hard to become a better writer with each page. I want to tell the truth as best I can, to tell the story of God and who he is and what he does, both through the way I write and the way I live. I write and read, in airports and coffee shops and book stores and on the dock by the creek. I read novels and magazines and children’s books and blogs and the Bible, and I couldn’t live well without those things.

And then there are, of course, a few other things I do, just for being a person in America who does not have a personal assistant and is not, say, the president. This list includes, but is not limited to: trips to Walmart and the bank, laundry folding, and occasional flossing. Even if I did have a personal assistant, I would stipulate that I still do my own flossing, because I’m just that grounded.

So those are the things I do, things I believe in or feel called to, or just things that fall within my area of responsibility on the planetary chore list.

Things I don’t do:

I don’t garden. As much as I like the idea of having my own garden, it’s not something I am willing to put the time and energy into right now. Gardeners talk about the spiritual implications of new life springing from the earth, or the deep communion with God that they experience as they lovingly tend to their herbs and flowers. But I’m going to have to miss out on all that, because, at least for now, no gardening.

I don’t always change my clothes just because I’m leaving the house. I wear sweatpants 95 percent of the time, and I pretend that other people don’t notice I’m wearing my pajamas in public.

I don’t always make my bed in the morning, standing firm on the adolescent belief that there’s no sense in doing something you’re just going to undo at the end of the day.

I don’t cook extravagant meals. I have recipes, and I follow them. I don’t try new meals all the time, because I love to bring food to the table with people I love gathered around, and it doesn’t need to be a stressful time for me. There’s a main course, a side dish maybe, some bread and salad. Throw in some iced tea and there’s a well-prepared meal, my friend!

Scrapbooking and photo album making are both on hold until I have my own family, although I do take pictures with family or friends and will hang them on my mirror or wall.

I don’t spend time with people who routinely make me feel like less than I am, or who spend most of their time talking about what’s wrong with everyone else and what’s wrong with the world, or who really like to talk about other people’s money.

I don’t go for runs. It’s bad for my knees, and I’d rather not have knee replacement surgery at 35-years. My forms of exercise are biking, swimming, playing on the ball field with the Ranch kids, or those fun little exercise videos.

through many tribulations

I began reading Desiring God (by John Piper) this morning. I have only read through half of the preface and already I am encouraged.

"Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God." -Acts 14:22

"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." -2 Timothy 3:12

Paul said that he was "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." (2 Corinthians 6:10)

"The older I get, the more persuaded I am that Nehemiah 8:10 is crucial for living and dying well: 'The joy of the Lord is your strength'." -John Piper

Through the trials... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

During dark and lonely nights... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

When I'm at the absolute end of my rope... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Every time I lose patience... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Fallen to my knees... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Releasing all... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

My only hope is You... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

war wages against my heart

Over the last few days feelings have come up that I haven't wanted to deal with, so I did what I do best: I stuffed them down and tried to ignore them. Today, however, they decided to all resurface. I did my normal Sunday things: Church, leftovers for lunch, a good nap on the couch... and I did something abnormal: drove to Tulsa and had dinner with two of my old campers; it was quite fun! However, while I did my best to stuff those unwanted feelings, it was getting harder and harder to pretend. I nearly ran out of the church building, afraid that someone would notice something amiss in my smile.

So what are these "unwanted feelings", you ask? I'll tell you: truth. Justice. Integrity. Forgiveness. Worth. Love. Christ is overpowering me with these things and for some reason I am fighting. I am pushing Him away. Maybe I'm afraid that one day He'll change His mind and not want to love me? Perhaps all I see when I look at myself is someone so completely unworthy of Christ's attention, but I don't know how one goes about telling the Lord He's wrong.

He fills me up again

The wind became bitter,
The cold too harsh.
Leaves dried up, crinkled, and fell;
Now they are but crunches under winter boots.
The winged ones fly to safer places,
The woodland creatures bury themselves away.
Emptiness, hopelessness, despair, death.
It can be overwhelming,
Life can seem impossible.
Then, in the middle of a brown forest, you see it:
One little green piece of life.
A reminder, a promise.
Warmth is coming again.
Life is coming again.
Hope is here...
He is our King, forever and ever. Amen.

It's all around

I prayed this morning for God to reveal His beauty to me.

Then I looked around and realized I was sitting on a deck overlooking the creek, surrounded by towering trees whose leaves were dancing in the wind. Birds were chirping, and I could hear kids laughing down stream... I was surrounded by His beauty, I just didn't realize it until my eyes were unveiled. How did that happen? Confess my sin. Receive His forgiveness. Ask for revelation.

I wrote in my journal at that time: "it's a matter of releasing my worries and doubts and every sin that blinds me to His goodness - then I see His beauty..."

confusion.

mighty, mighty confusion.

new feelings arise.

doubt seeps back in.

i am unsure of where to go now.

moving forward.

falling backwards.

mighty, mighty confusion.

my heaven song

i hear His voice, and i catch my breathe.

some days are good, and some are hard. through it all my Father is saying "come to me". i find it hard to do that sometimes, i'm not sure why. but He has blessed me with people to help me get there. like the paralytic being carried to Jesus.

i hear His voice, and tears roll down my cheeks.

i'm beginning to understand this wreckless abandonment to Jesus. i am nothing. He is everything. every good thing is from the Lord. it is Jesus Christ who saves, not ally schultz.

i hear His voice, and my heart expands with joy and gladness.

i am so thankful He is perfect in every way. i need hope, i need Jesus. i am broken, i am needy. He is there. He is strong. He is grace. He is love. He is mine.

Just Say No

I have a few problems in my life. One of them: saying yes when I need to say no.

I want to help people around the Ranch, to "lend a hand" when I can. The problem is that I don't feel I get enough rest, so when I am asked to help out with something extra I stumble over my words for a minute or two trying to figure out how to say no in a nice way before succumbing. I am then filled with dread and my heart seems to sink in my chest as it realizes that rest is yet again a far-away, seemingly unattainable dream.

Today, however, was different.

I finally got the CD burner to work at 6:30am today (I was helping Justin with a project I wanted to say yes to), so I was a happy camper. I headed to the kitchen a little after 7am to begin work. Things were fine until clean-up. A couple people seemed to be standing around more than normal, which was annoying as the rest of us were working hard to get out of there as quickly as possible. I understand one should not "stick it to the man" because that is entirely disrespectful; let me just share that because of my human weaknesses I was biting my tongue to the point of blood to stop myself from doing such a thing (the blood may or may not have been a slight exaggeration, but the boiling attitude was not). To make matters worse, staff came in late, ate their breakfast, and left their table for me to clean. Up to this point, I had been thinking how Friday was non-stop from 8:30am to 10pm (I literally had to run from a group I was working with to the kitchen, and then from the kitchen back to a different group). I was tired and having a hard time remembering my last day off. You can imagine that having one extra table to clean (after wiping down every other table in the dining hall) was just the hammer on the already fragile egg... or some kind of saying to express that it was that last tiny thing that set me off into a raging madness. I marched around the kitchen finishing my work, not with the best attitude. I stopped to talk to my bosses about which tables to set up for the next meal. Please remember that I am a very stubborn person, so when I am determined to be mad at something or someone, I'm pretty good at it. I smiled at them, not wanting to be extremely mean. Then one of them asked if I would be available to help that evening with the dinner they were hosting. I knew I was not scheduled to work, and after being exhausted and frustrated, I looked him in the eye and said "No." (yaaaaaay!!!!!) He stared at me for a minute, maybe waiting to see if I laughed and admitted to joking. I just stared right back. I felt my face start to heat a little bit, but not as it usually does. He moved on, saying he would track down some other help. I agreed that was a good idea, cluing him in that I was not, in any way, going to back down and help out. Normally I feel like a terrible person for not "lending a hand"; I am a Christian after all, aren't I? Serve others, isn't that what we're supposed to do? Sometimes I feel that's the death of my heart and my adventurous spirit. Not to say I'll never help or serve again. I just need to learn to say no. I think today I did that.

And just so you know, after that conversation I was in light spirits... I was giggly and practically skipping around the dining hall as I set up the rest of the tables. =)

I am beautiful in His image.

I’m coming to realize the beauty and the freedom that is available on this earth. I used to believe that beauty and complete joy and freedom was only attainable in Heaven, when one is in the presence of the most glorious One.

I find, though, that in all His Heavenly splendor, my Lord can make His perfection – His majesty – known right here on earth.

I thought that perhaps I must get to a certain place in my life and in my heart to experience that one-ness with my Maker. So I set up all these expectations for myself. I was hard on myself and very frustrated when I couldn’t place myself before the Throne and have a truly worshipful heart. I felt unworthy. I began to question my trustworthiness… did God know what He was doing with me? Did He know who He was asking for help from? Doubt floods in unwanted.

Then the Father whispers, “From you, I have no expectations.”

Going through the motions,

Yet sitting quite still.

Called to dive deeper,

But scared to lose my will.

He gave up His life,

Can I do the same?

Will my dreams come true?

That sounds kinda lame.

Not to be like others,

So vain a desire.

Jesus, lead me on,

Through my own muck and mire.

Letting go of expectations,

Freeing myself for You.

Giving up selfish desires,

Because I love You, too.

Dear Reader,

there will always be heartbreak in life.

I'm sure you have been a victim of this. It starts when you're six-years-old, and you accidentally leave your beloved doll on top of a bag in the airport, not realizing it's sitting there alone until you're miles away.

Your dog escapes from the backyard. You chase after it, wishing to catch her but knowing there's no real danger involved. Then before your eyes, she's hit by a car traveling far too fast to be in a neighborhood, and all you hear is your poor animal yelp in pain. Seeing her half walk half crawl to the edge of the street, leaving a trail of blood behind her, is more than enough to split a young girls heart in two.

I have always been a Daddy's girl. I love both of my parents equally, but for some God-given reason, I have a very tender spot in my heart when it comes to my dad. I went through a phase as a little girl where I had to say good-bye to my dad every morning before he left for work. I remember one morning specifically, when I was about seven or eight, when I awoke to the sound of my dad's truck starting in the driveway. My whole body started as I realized he was leaving and I had yet to say good-bye. I jumped out of bed, desperately trying to push down the fear that became a spark in the pit of my stomach. I flew down the stairs as that spark became a flame, burning my insides because I was afraid. For some reason, I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't say good-bye. My heart would break? His heart would break? Did my Daddy know that I thought the world of him? I had to tell him before it was too late. I ran out the front door and down the porch steps, pajama-clad and everything, and watched as my favorite man in the world drove away.

Dear Reader,

there will always be heartbreak in life.

I'm sure you have been a victim of this. So have I. It comes in different forms, but there is still the same feeling of resentment and disappointment, hurt and anger.

As the waves of pain come, don't try and stand up against them, for you will be knocked over by their strength. Instead, do as Shauna Niequist suggests in her book, Bittersweet: "Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work in you."

Let the pain wash over your heart. Embrace it. Cry. Cry hard. Allow God into your heart, because when you feel the water is above your head and you can no longer breathe, you just might find in the end that He was holding your head up the whole time.

Fire

He is taking me through fire.

I find myself desiring for someone, anyone, to rescue me from these depths. I think things like "if only someone could come and be strong for me and get me out of this..." How silly of me; how naive. Do I know nothing of salvation? Have I forgotten what happened on the Cross?

He has rescued me.

He is refining me.

Abba, bring me through the fire once again.