war wages against my heart

Over the last few days feelings have come up that I haven't wanted to deal with, so I did what I do best: I stuffed them down and tried to ignore them. Today, however, they decided to all resurface. I did my normal Sunday things: Church, leftovers for lunch, a good nap on the couch... and I did something abnormal: drove to Tulsa and had dinner with two of my old campers; it was quite fun! However, while I did my best to stuff those unwanted feelings, it was getting harder and harder to pretend. I nearly ran out of the church building, afraid that someone would notice something amiss in my smile.

So what are these "unwanted feelings", you ask? I'll tell you: truth. Justice. Integrity. Forgiveness. Worth. Love. Christ is overpowering me with these things and for some reason I am fighting. I am pushing Him away. Maybe I'm afraid that one day He'll change His mind and not want to love me? Perhaps all I see when I look at myself is someone so completely unworthy of Christ's attention, but I don't know how one goes about telling the Lord He's wrong.

He fills me up again

The wind became bitter,
The cold too harsh.
Leaves dried up, crinkled, and fell;
Now they are but crunches under winter boots.
The winged ones fly to safer places,
The woodland creatures bury themselves away.
Emptiness, hopelessness, despair, death.
It can be overwhelming,
Life can seem impossible.
Then, in the middle of a brown forest, you see it:
One little green piece of life.
A reminder, a promise.
Warmth is coming again.
Life is coming again.
Hope is here...
He is our King, forever and ever. Amen.

It's all around

I prayed this morning for God to reveal His beauty to me.

Then I looked around and realized I was sitting on a deck overlooking the creek, surrounded by towering trees whose leaves were dancing in the wind. Birds were chirping, and I could hear kids laughing down stream... I was surrounded by His beauty, I just didn't realize it until my eyes were unveiled. How did that happen? Confess my sin. Receive His forgiveness. Ask for revelation.

I wrote in my journal at that time: "it's a matter of releasing my worries and doubts and every sin that blinds me to His goodness - then I see His beauty..."

confusion.

mighty, mighty confusion.

new feelings arise.

doubt seeps back in.

i am unsure of where to go now.

moving forward.

falling backwards.

mighty, mighty confusion.

my heaven song

i hear His voice, and i catch my breathe.

some days are good, and some are hard. through it all my Father is saying "come to me". i find it hard to do that sometimes, i'm not sure why. but He has blessed me with people to help me get there. like the paralytic being carried to Jesus.

i hear His voice, and tears roll down my cheeks.

i'm beginning to understand this wreckless abandonment to Jesus. i am nothing. He is everything. every good thing is from the Lord. it is Jesus Christ who saves, not ally schultz.

i hear His voice, and my heart expands with joy and gladness.

i am so thankful He is perfect in every way. i need hope, i need Jesus. i am broken, i am needy. He is there. He is strong. He is grace. He is love. He is mine.