as a child

Introspection. That's something I need to do less of. People may have expectations of me, and I may have expectations of myself. But as for today, I choose to not to care.

"I need to save money for this, I need to save money for that, I need to lose weight, I need to look at college options for next year, I need to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend..."

Those may be things I need to do, but I realize I continue to miss the heart of it all. When I am looking at me, I hardly ever see good things. That is why I need to look at Jesus and never look away. When he is at the center of everything I do, those "needs" seem to fall perfectly into place. Crazy, huh?

I sat in a gazebo at the Ranch today, just thinking. Just listening. Then it came to me. I try to fit this stereotype. I'm 23-years-old, I am trying to (mostly) support myself. Dad still helps with the big things like insurance. I am 23-years-old, I am trying to be a mature woman. I am trying to be witty, and smart, and clever, and in shape (doing poorly at this), and healthy, and wise, and caring, and this, and that.... it's exhausting. Plain and simple. I wear myself out, get mad, give up. Yes, I throw inward temper tantrums. I am 23-years-old, thank you.

Do you know what I WANT to be? A 23-year-old imaginist. A 23-year-old reader of wonderful books, like Peter Pan or Bridge to Terabithia. I want to watch animated movies. I want to admit to the whole world that I want a pet dragon. I want to be like Ginny Weasley when I grow up. I want to fly. I want to dream up this whole wide world and everything that could be, and BELIEVE in it. I don't care if it sounds silly; you're probably right. But as for today, I choose not to care.

I shall be as a child. I'm probably going to have more fun than you today...

My Rescuer, My Savior

Jesus Christ didn’t just rescue us from something; He saved us for something!

“For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness...” (Colossians 1:13a)

Dominion – power, authority, control.

The ‘darkness’ refers to sin, the father of lies satan, and every evil thing.

We are no longer under the authority of satan. We are no longer under the control of our sinful nature.

“...and brought us into the Kingdom of the Son He loves.” (Colossians 1:13b)

The Kingdom of Jesus Christ, where there is no more sin, no more suffering.

I am reading a book by Kris Vallotton; in the third chapter he talks about our imagination being linked to our hearts. What I imagine myself to be, that is what I become. “For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7) Vallotton says “that which you focus on will determine your reality.” (The Supernatural Ways of Royalty) Thinking happy thoughts really does make a difference! “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Dwell on this: you have a God who LOVES you. You are rescued from the dominion of darkness. You have been brought into the Kingdom of His Son!

this chapter

Yesterday I filled out a self-evaluation for work. I really don't like those things, but I suppose it's good to ask questions and ponder answers.

In one of the sections I was required to "name 3 things you would like to see happen in your life or in your ministry over the next few years". I filled out the first two blanks, but for some reason I could not decide on a third. I was thinking things like "I would love to go sky diving" and "I want to see a hundred African kids well-fed and laughing and dancing" and "I want to travel the world and write stories about the people I meet" and "I want to act in a movie" and "it'd be really cool to learn how to fly"...

There are so many wonderful things I want to see and experience in this life. I move forward, I wait, I'm stubborn and lazy, then I move forward again. Impatience and discouragement come, followed by inspiration and motivation. This is life. It's broken, it's beautiful.

I am happy to say that in this chapter of my life, I get to spend my time with wonderful people, live and work at a wonderful place, and bask in the knowledge that I will forever find delight in a wonderful Savior.

do's and don'ts.

Things I do:

Above all else, I try to keep my faith in Christ at the very center of my life, the heart and source of everything. I trust God’s voice as my guide and Christ as my comforter. I pray, I practice confession and forgiveness, and I seek to see the world through the eyes of its Creator, believing everything can be redeemed. I’m part of my church community, volunteering on its behalf, and working to make a better city and a better world because of our church community.

I live in daily, honest, intimate community with the people at the Ranch. I give my time and energy and prayer to my immediate family and close friends. To a slightly wider circle of people, I give them my love and friendship through intermittent e-mails and very occasional visits.

I work hard to become a better writer with each page. I want to tell the truth as best I can, to tell the story of God and who he is and what he does, both through the way I write and the way I live. I write and read, in airports and coffee shops and book stores and on the dock by the creek. I read novels and magazines and children’s books and blogs and the Bible, and I couldn’t live well without those things.

And then there are, of course, a few other things I do, just for being a person in America who does not have a personal assistant and is not, say, the president. This list includes, but is not limited to: trips to Walmart and the bank, laundry folding, and occasional flossing. Even if I did have a personal assistant, I would stipulate that I still do my own flossing, because I’m just that grounded.

So those are the things I do, things I believe in or feel called to, or just things that fall within my area of responsibility on the planetary chore list.

Things I don’t do:

I don’t garden. As much as I like the idea of having my own garden, it’s not something I am willing to put the time and energy into right now. Gardeners talk about the spiritual implications of new life springing from the earth, or the deep communion with God that they experience as they lovingly tend to their herbs and flowers. But I’m going to have to miss out on all that, because, at least for now, no gardening.

I don’t always change my clothes just because I’m leaving the house. I wear sweatpants 95 percent of the time, and I pretend that other people don’t notice I’m wearing my pajamas in public.

I don’t always make my bed in the morning, standing firm on the adolescent belief that there’s no sense in doing something you’re just going to undo at the end of the day.

I don’t cook extravagant meals. I have recipes, and I follow them. I don’t try new meals all the time, because I love to bring food to the table with people I love gathered around, and it doesn’t need to be a stressful time for me. There’s a main course, a side dish maybe, some bread and salad. Throw in some iced tea and there’s a well-prepared meal, my friend!

Scrapbooking and photo album making are both on hold until I have my own family, although I do take pictures with family or friends and will hang them on my mirror or wall.

I don’t spend time with people who routinely make me feel like less than I am, or who spend most of their time talking about what’s wrong with everyone else and what’s wrong with the world, or who really like to talk about other people’s money.

I don’t go for runs. It’s bad for my knees, and I’d rather not have knee replacement surgery at 35-years. My forms of exercise are biking, swimming, playing on the ball field with the Ranch kids, or those fun little exercise videos.

through many tribulations

I began reading Desiring God (by John Piper) this morning. I have only read through half of the preface and already I am encouraged.

"Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God." -Acts 14:22

"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." -2 Timothy 3:12

Paul said that he was "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." (2 Corinthians 6:10)

"The older I get, the more persuaded I am that Nehemiah 8:10 is crucial for living and dying well: 'The joy of the Lord is your strength'." -John Piper

Through the trials... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

During dark and lonely nights... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

When I'm at the absolute end of my rope... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Every time I lose patience... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Fallen to my knees... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Releasing all... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

My only hope is You... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Hallelujah.