I have a few problems in my life. One of them: saying yes when I need to say no.
I want to help people around the Ranch, to "lend a hand" when I can. The problem is that I don't feel I get enough rest, so when I am asked to help out with something extra I stumble over my words for a minute or two trying to figure out how to say no in a nice way before succumbing. I am then filled with dread and my heart seems to sink in my chest as it realizes that rest is yet again a far-away, seemingly unattainable dream.
Today, however, was different.
I finally got the CD burner to work at 6:30am today (I was helping Justin with a project I wanted to say yes to), so I was a happy camper. I headed to the kitchen a little after 7am to begin work. Things were fine until clean-up. A couple people seemed to be standing around more than normal, which was annoying as the rest of us were working hard to get out of there as quickly as possible. I understand one should not "stick it to the man" because that is entirely disrespectful; let me just share that because of my human weaknesses I was biting my tongue to the point of blood to stop myself from doing such a thing (the blood may or may not have been a slight exaggeration, but the boiling attitude was not). To make matters worse, staff came in late, ate their breakfast, and left their table for me to clean. Up to this point, I had been thinking how Friday was non-stop from 8:30am to 10pm (I literally had to run from a group I was working with to the kitchen, and then from the kitchen back to a different group). I was tired and having a hard time remembering my last day off. You can imagine that having one extra table to clean (after wiping down every other table in the dining hall) was just the hammer on the already fragile egg... or some kind of saying to express that it was that last tiny thing that set me off into a raging madness. I marched around the kitchen finishing my work, not with the best attitude. I stopped to talk to my bosses about which tables to set up for the next meal. Please remember that I am a very stubborn person, so when I am determined to be mad at something or someone, I'm pretty good at it. I smiled at them, not wanting to be extremely mean. Then one of them asked if I would be available to help that evening with the dinner they were hosting. I knew I was not scheduled to work, and after being exhausted and frustrated, I looked him in the eye and said "No." (yaaaaaay!!!!!) He stared at me for a minute, maybe waiting to see if I laughed and admitted to joking. I just stared right back. I felt my face start to heat a little bit, but not as it usually does. He moved on, saying he would track down some other help. I agreed that was a good idea, cluing him in that I was not, in any way, going to back down and help out. Normally I feel like a terrible person for not "lending a hand"; I am a Christian after all, aren't I? Serve others, isn't that what we're supposed to do? Sometimes I feel that's the death of my heart and my adventurous spirit. Not to say I'll never help or serve again. I just need to learn to say no. I think today I did that.
And just so you know, after that conversation I was in light spirits... I was giggly and practically skipping around the dining hall as I set up the rest of the tables. =)
