through many tribulations

I began reading Desiring God (by John Piper) this morning. I have only read through half of the preface and already I am encouraged.

"Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God." -Acts 14:22

"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." -2 Timothy 3:12

Paul said that he was "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." (2 Corinthians 6:10)

"The older I get, the more persuaded I am that Nehemiah 8:10 is crucial for living and dying well: 'The joy of the Lord is your strength'." -John Piper

Through the trials... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

During dark and lonely nights... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

When I'm at the absolute end of my rope... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Every time I lose patience... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Fallen to my knees... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Releasing all... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

My only hope is You... I raise my hands and say hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

war wages against my heart

Over the last few days feelings have come up that I haven't wanted to deal with, so I did what I do best: I stuffed them down and tried to ignore them. Today, however, they decided to all resurface. I did my normal Sunday things: Church, leftovers for lunch, a good nap on the couch... and I did something abnormal: drove to Tulsa and had dinner with two of my old campers; it was quite fun! However, while I did my best to stuff those unwanted feelings, it was getting harder and harder to pretend. I nearly ran out of the church building, afraid that someone would notice something amiss in my smile.

So what are these "unwanted feelings", you ask? I'll tell you: truth. Justice. Integrity. Forgiveness. Worth. Love. Christ is overpowering me with these things and for some reason I am fighting. I am pushing Him away. Maybe I'm afraid that one day He'll change His mind and not want to love me? Perhaps all I see when I look at myself is someone so completely unworthy of Christ's attention, but I don't know how one goes about telling the Lord He's wrong.

He fills me up again

The wind became bitter,
The cold too harsh.
Leaves dried up, crinkled, and fell;
Now they are but crunches under winter boots.
The winged ones fly to safer places,
The woodland creatures bury themselves away.
Emptiness, hopelessness, despair, death.
It can be overwhelming,
Life can seem impossible.
Then, in the middle of a brown forest, you see it:
One little green piece of life.
A reminder, a promise.
Warmth is coming again.
Life is coming again.
Hope is here...
He is our King, forever and ever. Amen.

It's all around

I prayed this morning for God to reveal His beauty to me.

Then I looked around and realized I was sitting on a deck overlooking the creek, surrounded by towering trees whose leaves were dancing in the wind. Birds were chirping, and I could hear kids laughing down stream... I was surrounded by His beauty, I just didn't realize it until my eyes were unveiled. How did that happen? Confess my sin. Receive His forgiveness. Ask for revelation.

I wrote in my journal at that time: "it's a matter of releasing my worries and doubts and every sin that blinds me to His goodness - then I see His beauty..."

confusion.

mighty, mighty confusion.

new feelings arise.

doubt seeps back in.

i am unsure of where to go now.

moving forward.

falling backwards.

mighty, mighty confusion.

my heaven song

i hear His voice, and i catch my breathe.

some days are good, and some are hard. through it all my Father is saying "come to me". i find it hard to do that sometimes, i'm not sure why. but He has blessed me with people to help me get there. like the paralytic being carried to Jesus.

i hear His voice, and tears roll down my cheeks.

i'm beginning to understand this wreckless abandonment to Jesus. i am nothing. He is everything. every good thing is from the Lord. it is Jesus Christ who saves, not ally schultz.

i hear His voice, and my heart expands with joy and gladness.

i am so thankful He is perfect in every way. i need hope, i need Jesus. i am broken, i am needy. He is there. He is strong. He is grace. He is love. He is mine.

Just Say No

I have a few problems in my life. One of them: saying yes when I need to say no.

I want to help people around the Ranch, to "lend a hand" when I can. The problem is that I don't feel I get enough rest, so when I am asked to help out with something extra I stumble over my words for a minute or two trying to figure out how to say no in a nice way before succumbing. I am then filled with dread and my heart seems to sink in my chest as it realizes that rest is yet again a far-away, seemingly unattainable dream.

Today, however, was different.

I finally got the CD burner to work at 6:30am today (I was helping Justin with a project I wanted to say yes to), so I was a happy camper. I headed to the kitchen a little after 7am to begin work. Things were fine until clean-up. A couple people seemed to be standing around more than normal, which was annoying as the rest of us were working hard to get out of there as quickly as possible. I understand one should not "stick it to the man" because that is entirely disrespectful; let me just share that because of my human weaknesses I was biting my tongue to the point of blood to stop myself from doing such a thing (the blood may or may not have been a slight exaggeration, but the boiling attitude was not). To make matters worse, staff came in late, ate their breakfast, and left their table for me to clean. Up to this point, I had been thinking how Friday was non-stop from 8:30am to 10pm (I literally had to run from a group I was working with to the kitchen, and then from the kitchen back to a different group). I was tired and having a hard time remembering my last day off. You can imagine that having one extra table to clean (after wiping down every other table in the dining hall) was just the hammer on the already fragile egg... or some kind of saying to express that it was that last tiny thing that set me off into a raging madness. I marched around the kitchen finishing my work, not with the best attitude. I stopped to talk to my bosses about which tables to set up for the next meal. Please remember that I am a very stubborn person, so when I am determined to be mad at something or someone, I'm pretty good at it. I smiled at them, not wanting to be extremely mean. Then one of them asked if I would be available to help that evening with the dinner they were hosting. I knew I was not scheduled to work, and after being exhausted and frustrated, I looked him in the eye and said "No." (yaaaaaay!!!!!) He stared at me for a minute, maybe waiting to see if I laughed and admitted to joking. I just stared right back. I felt my face start to heat a little bit, but not as it usually does. He moved on, saying he would track down some other help. I agreed that was a good idea, cluing him in that I was not, in any way, going to back down and help out. Normally I feel like a terrible person for not "lending a hand"; I am a Christian after all, aren't I? Serve others, isn't that what we're supposed to do? Sometimes I feel that's the death of my heart and my adventurous spirit. Not to say I'll never help or serve again. I just need to learn to say no. I think today I did that.

And just so you know, after that conversation I was in light spirits... I was giggly and practically skipping around the dining hall as I set up the rest of the tables. =)

I am beautiful in His image.

I’m coming to realize the beauty and the freedom that is available on this earth. I used to believe that beauty and complete joy and freedom was only attainable in Heaven, when one is in the presence of the most glorious One.

I find, though, that in all His Heavenly splendor, my Lord can make His perfection – His majesty – known right here on earth.

I thought that perhaps I must get to a certain place in my life and in my heart to experience that one-ness with my Maker. So I set up all these expectations for myself. I was hard on myself and very frustrated when I couldn’t place myself before the Throne and have a truly worshipful heart. I felt unworthy. I began to question my trustworthiness… did God know what He was doing with me? Did He know who He was asking for help from? Doubt floods in unwanted.

Then the Father whispers, “From you, I have no expectations.”

Going through the motions,

Yet sitting quite still.

Called to dive deeper,

But scared to lose my will.

He gave up His life,

Can I do the same?

Will my dreams come true?

That sounds kinda lame.

Not to be like others,

So vain a desire.

Jesus, lead me on,

Through my own muck and mire.

Letting go of expectations,

Freeing myself for You.

Giving up selfish desires,

Because I love You, too.

Dear Reader,

there will always be heartbreak in life.

I'm sure you have been a victim of this. It starts when you're six-years-old, and you accidentally leave your beloved doll on top of a bag in the airport, not realizing it's sitting there alone until you're miles away.

Your dog escapes from the backyard. You chase after it, wishing to catch her but knowing there's no real danger involved. Then before your eyes, she's hit by a car traveling far too fast to be in a neighborhood, and all you hear is your poor animal yelp in pain. Seeing her half walk half crawl to the edge of the street, leaving a trail of blood behind her, is more than enough to split a young girls heart in two.

I have always been a Daddy's girl. I love both of my parents equally, but for some God-given reason, I have a very tender spot in my heart when it comes to my dad. I went through a phase as a little girl where I had to say good-bye to my dad every morning before he left for work. I remember one morning specifically, when I was about seven or eight, when I awoke to the sound of my dad's truck starting in the driveway. My whole body started as I realized he was leaving and I had yet to say good-bye. I jumped out of bed, desperately trying to push down the fear that became a spark in the pit of my stomach. I flew down the stairs as that spark became a flame, burning my insides because I was afraid. For some reason, I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't say good-bye. My heart would break? His heart would break? Did my Daddy know that I thought the world of him? I had to tell him before it was too late. I ran out the front door and down the porch steps, pajama-clad and everything, and watched as my favorite man in the world drove away.

Dear Reader,

there will always be heartbreak in life.

I'm sure you have been a victim of this. So have I. It comes in different forms, but there is still the same feeling of resentment and disappointment, hurt and anger.

As the waves of pain come, don't try and stand up against them, for you will be knocked over by their strength. Instead, do as Shauna Niequist suggests in her book, Bittersweet: "Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and begin to swim. Begin to let the waves do their work in you."

Let the pain wash over your heart. Embrace it. Cry. Cry hard. Allow God into your heart, because when you feel the water is above your head and you can no longer breathe, you just might find in the end that He was holding your head up the whole time.